Words have been whirring around in my head. Some of them positive, but really, very few of them.
Do you ever just stop, look around you, and see answers to many of your questions?
The past few months have been like that to me.
Busyness. Rushing. Frantic routines. Quick decisions. Rushing kids. Anxiousness. Fear. Distrust. Hurt. Personal. Cowardliness. Craziness. Exhaustion. Master. Pawn. Reality. Hate. Love. Blessings. Boys. Hubby. Family. Friends. Laughter. Traditions. Simplicity. Anticipation. Relief. Peace.
Those words describe life here as of late when it comes to me. Quite a spectrum, eh?
The signs I have been given these past few weeks are amazing. Talk of God. God’s plan. God’s love. God’s gifts. God. God. God.
And…in those moments, I find an inner peace. A quiet. A calm.
Then, the words questioning my worth, my existence, my life as I know it, and the harmful horrible things that come to mind lately scare me. The scary things one comes up with to try to rationalize the crappiness that goes around her are insane. So, from here on out, I will limit the self-deprecating talk. I have done nothing wrong. I am in control of me. I will not be controlled by what others do to me. I will continue to find the little whispers of hope; the promises of God; and the silver lining in what seems to be a very dark, ugly, and extremely personal cloud.
I know I am good. I will not let the actions of others continue to drag me down. God has a plan. God loves me, and most of all, this may be the biggest blessing in disguise. As, with all this thinking, I have come to notice the little things more. I have been able to take a step back and view the behaviors and decisions of others. I have been able to thank God that I don’t treat people in that manner. I have been able to see more of the “game” and take myself away from it. It has made me show others more of how much I appreciate them. I have become more rooted in my family, my boys, my hubby, my friends, and the beautiful life around me.
I sat and listened to 2 sermons over the past 2 Sundays. Both about the busyness and rush of life and how we try to balance it all. Today, I heard about how God measures us – very unlike how people measure us and we measure ourselves. Punky and I went to go to the movie, God’s Not Dead 2, today. He has been anticipating the release of this movie for months. Sitting there next to my son during the movie and the deep conversations that have come from that boy as of late are just examples of that inner peace I have found. Away from the crap. Away from the disgust. Away from the distrust. Away from the stress. Away from the fake. Away from the hypocrisy. Away from the politics. Away from the ick.
Here’s to 49 more days of school… and then the beautiful summer that lies waiting for me to spend time with my boys.