I am haunted…Haunted by glowing pregnant women who seem to be everywhere these days. Sometimes, I try everything to avoid them….sometimes I can deal with them being around. I don’t hate them. Really. I don’t. I just want to be one of them. I REALLY, REALLY want to be one of them. And my envy is deep…really, really deep.
Five short years ago, I was one of them, with my enormous belly that everyone wanted to rub. ( I hated that! I didn’t like people touching me unless I asked them if they wanted to touch it!) After 41.5 weeks, 11lbs and 4 ozs of that huge belly was gone. I had little time to obsess over the rest of my belly that stayed and the missing abdominal muscles because I was overwhelmed with an insanely intense love for my “little” (I know, by no means was he ever “little!”) amazing newborn… Punky.
After I had Punky, I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again! I loved every second of it (well, after the first trimester!).
But who knew, that I was able to experience this once (so far). I have one super gorgeous little boy…who is growing faster than one can imagine. I know I am lucky. In fact, I feel lucky. And sort of greedy. Because I desperately want a second….and a third. And a part of me feels like I should be satisfied with the one healthy child. But my family just feels incomplete. Really incomplete.
I grew up with two siblings, and I loved it! I love it now, too! I want Punky to experience that. But at the same time, we’re going on a pretty huge age spread here, so I’m sure it won’t be the same as what I experienced growing up. Punky wants to be a big brother. I want to be a mommy to more. I can’t wait for big family dinners, sleep overs, movie nights and lots of giggling children bouncing around the living room.
I keep a lot of this longing buried inside because I have felt judged….People say the rudest things sometimes. And not just one person… PEOPLE say the dumbest, rudest things. I am pretty good at burying it, but it hurts nonetheless. I just want to scream out that I have no lack of gratitude for my son. Does that mean I can’t wish for another baby? Can’t I feel grateful for my child and yearn for another? Can’t those two emotions coexist within a person? A mother?
And this time around, biology is irritating and very stubborn. My miscarriage nearly two years ago almost crushed me. Didn’t God know I had HUGE plans for that big ol’ plus sign on that pregnancy stick? I had nearly a month of dreaming and planning… and then it was gone. All gone. Taken abruptly and cruelly from us. (Ok, maybe not too abruptly as the whole miscarrying process lasted over a month! Remember here and here!?!?) Cringe.
I still think of what would have been..in fact, the thought crosses my mind quite often as Punky inquires “why he not a big brudder yet?” Where would I be with two kids? Would I feel my family was complete or would I now be longing for a third?
Don’t get me wrong, there are very funny moments along this journey that make me laugh… and laugh some more!
Who knew that I would have to drive to the clinic for the ever-hopeful insemination, with Hubby’s little blue cup…tucked between my legs to keep it warm on the way there? Who knew my friends or my sister would unknowingly call me RIGHT during the insemination process?!? Who knew that my best friend would be willing to give me daily shots in my ass for 2 weeks? All of these bring smiles to my face.
But mostly, it’s been a long, stressful, disappointing road.
I haven’t given up hope. I still envision and pray… and long for my bigger family ….of five. (I’m still holding out for at least 2 more!) (Who knows, the drugs could make that happen in ONE shot! No pun intended! Really.)
A special thank to a friend from church who sent me her Baby Dust which was given to her. I love it, and it makes me smile! Thank you!