The “I don’t even know what to call this post” Post

I am haunted…Haunted by glowing pregnant women who seem to be everywhere these days. Sometimes, I try everything to avoid them….sometimes I can deal with them being around.  I don’t hate them. Really.  I don’t.  I just want to be one of them.  I REALLY, REALLY want to be one of them.  And my envy is deep…really, really deep.

Five short years ago, I was one of them, with my enormous belly that everyone wanted to rub. ( I hated that!  I didn’t like people touching me unless I asked them if they wanted to touch it!)  After 41.5  weeks, 11lbs and 4 ozs of that huge belly was gone.   I had little time to obsess over the rest of my belly that stayed and the missing abdominal muscles because I was overwhelmed with an insanely intense love for my “little” (I know, by no means was he ever “little!”) amazing newborn… Punky.

After I had Punky, I couldn’t wait to be pregnant again!   I loved every second of it (well, after the first trimester!).

But who knew, that I was able to experience this once (so far).  I have one super gorgeous little boy…who is growing faster than one can imagine.  I know I am lucky.  In fact, I feel lucky.  And sort of greedy. Because I desperately want a second….and a third. And a part of me feels like I should be satisfied with the one healthy child. But my family just feels incomplete.  Really incomplete.

I grew up with two siblings, and I loved it!   I love it now, too!   I want Punky to experience that.  But at the same time, we’re going on a pretty huge age spread here, so I’m sure it won’t be the same as what I experienced growing up.   Punky wants to be a big brother.  I want to be a mommy to more.   I can’t wait for big family dinners, sleep overs, movie nights and lots of giggling children bouncing around the living room.

I keep a lot of this longing buried inside because I have felt judged….People say the rudest things sometimes.  And not just one person… PEOPLE say the dumbest, rudest things. I am pretty good at burying it, but it hurts nonetheless.  I just want to scream out that I have no lack of gratitude for my son. Does that mean I can’t wish for another baby? Can’t I feel grateful for my child and yearn for another? Can’t those two emotions coexist within a person?  A mother?

And this time around, biology is irritating and very stubborn.  My miscarriage nearly two years ago almost crushed me.  Didn’t God know I had HUGE plans for that big ol’ plus sign on that pregnancy stick?  I had nearly a month of dreaming and planning… and then it was gone.   All gone.   Taken abruptly and cruelly from us.  (Ok, maybe not too abruptly as the whole miscarrying process lasted over a month! Remember here and here!?!?)  Cringe.

I still think of what would have been..in fact, the thought crosses my mind quite often as Punky inquires “why he not a big brudder yet?”  Where would I be with two kids?   Would I feel my family was complete or would I now be longing for a third?

Don’t get me wrong, there are very funny moments along this journey that make me laugh… and laugh some more!

Who knew that I would have to drive to the clinic for the ever-hopeful insemination, with Hubby’s little blue cup…tucked between my legs to keep it warm on the way there?  Who knew my friends or my sister would unknowingly call me RIGHT during the insemination process?!?  Who knew that my best friend would be willing to give me daily shots in my ass for 2 weeks?  All of these bring smiles to my face.

But mostly, it’s been a long, stressful, disappointing road.

I haven’t given up hope. I still envision and pray… and long for my bigger family ….of five. (I’m still holding out for at least 2 more!)  (Who knows, the drugs could make that happen in ONE shot! No pun intended! Really.)

A special thank to a friend from church who sent me her Baby Dust which was given to her.   I love it, and it makes me smile!   Thank you!

8 thoughts on “The “I don’t even know what to call this post” Post

  1. I think of you often through your journey. Miscarriages Suck!!!! There are no words “At leasts….” that seem to make them suck any less. Pregnancy and family planning and fertility issues and troubled pregnancies are so personal and yet so public. People can be complete asses when it comes to other people’s struggles. I think they are trying to make it all make sense to themselves and think THEY might be comforted by the words they speak but they just don’t know how hurtful and horrid some of their comments are.
    I understand the feeling of needing to complete a family despite having a child. The intense gratitude for your child and the feeling of longing for another are absolutely separate feelings. I yelled at a neighbor once when she told me to be thankful for the kids I had…that I would just take her 2nd child and give it to someone else and that she should just remain happy and content with her other 2 kids. She thought I was horrible for saying that to her and walked away crying but hey I had heard enough. We have had 6 pregnancies but only have 4 kids. Yes I know we have been very lucky to have our four but we often see empty spots in photos that seem to need to be filled by someone. It seems that Matt needs a brother. I nearly died a few days after Matt was born. They can’t really explain what happened to me. I knew at one point that if I closed my eyes I would never open them again…The choice to even consider trying to have another child has been taken from me.
    I will continue to keep you in my prayers. I will pray that your treatments will soon bring a child or two to your family for you all to love.

  2. I feel like we’re living a bit of parallel lives. Only I don’t have the courage to talk about any of it like you- it’s just too painful and awkward. It always feels like I’m asking for pity. So good for you for being open about it! It’s incredibly brave of you. And I’ll send you as much baby dust as I can. You deserve it!

  3. That made me cry!! It is not fair!!! The people who want it more than anything have difficulties. Keep your chin up…..because it WILL happen….and when it does…it will be worth the wait! Plus, I will enjoy helping with the trips:) Love you!!

  4. We pray everyday that you will get your dream to come true… you are our daughter and we want happiness for you…and for all your dreams to come true …that is what parents strive for…so continued luck and prayers for your dream to come true. We feel your sadness and your gratitude that Punky is yours….life’s road is sometimes bumpy..and sometimes we don’t know why things happen the way they do… and never think you are alone in your uphill journey we are only a few steps behind you cheering.

  5. that is so sad Mel 😦 I know it must be hard. You know I have 3 kids but it took 4 tries and mine are sperad out too. It will be great no matter when it happens and you should never feel guilty about your feelings they are yours and you cant help the way you feel. As for the remarks that people make, I’m sure they dont mean it ….they just dont understand. Hang in there it will happen!!! I pray all the time for you and will keep doing so. It must be hard with all the pregnant people around you 🙂 I think you needs a good girls night out and soon!!!
    HUGS!!!!

  6. I’m so sorry, Mel, that you have to go thru all of this. I just know that it is going to make your next baby/ies all the more special. I pray that you will get pregnant soon. I know how badly you guys want to add to your family.

    As for the comments people make – I completely understand. Some people just don’t think before they say things. Others just don’t have common sense to keep their mouths shut. Shrug it off. Only you know what is right for you and your family.

    Love you!!!

  7. Why do other people assume they know what our family should look like? It’s so frustrating and hurtful.

    I’m sorry that you’ve had this difficulty, and I hope your dreams come true as soon as possible.

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